Bumble Bee Notes

There is a roller coaster ride at Kentucky Kingdom called Twisted Sisters, two roller coaster on two different tracks take off in opposite directions, taking sharp turns up to a hill where they face each other and race down with a moment to pass and see each other's screaming faces. In proceeds to go up and down with sharp turns occasionally passing the other coaster, gaining a glimpse of other riders while also fearing you might collide. This is what it feels like when you leave a marriage that didn't have 1 defining moment that caused you to leave, when you tried to stick it out as long as you could. Years of trying to make myself have feelings for him, learning to bottle my emotions and not scream as I was yanked around corners and plunged up and down. I drop the kids off and I see my holiday decorations that I collected over the years, that I did not put up, filling the house. The holiday decorations that I distracted myself with and collected each year, trying to pret...

The label  narcissist  is used loosely these days, typically to indicate anyone who is vain and selfish, but the true  personality disorder  and its traits run much deeper, and carry long-term debilitating effects for those involved with such people. If you were raised by a  narcissistic  parent or are in a relationship with a narcissist, you will likely feel more like an object to be used and manipulated to meet the narcissistic partner’s  goals  or needs. You eventually realize your partner does not see the  real  you. It is a heart-breaking discovery to realize you have been conned or duped by someone you trusted and loved. Below I'm offering you a checklist to determine if your relationship carries these devastating traits. Remember: Narcissism is a  spectrum  disorder; someone with a high level or number of these traits can be a more damaging influence on you, and your children. The more traits, the closer to a full-blo...

I have my moments of weakness. I fight them but I know that it is ok to be upset. Its not that I am upset he is dating someone else...I am actually happy about that. I just still get upset when I have still gained no value, there is still no appreciation for me, that he still doesn't understand me. And even that I have been working on letting go, however its hearing about his new girl doing what I do and then receiving praise about it. Would I call it emotional jealousy? No. It just feels like a slap in the face. He sucks the energy from me and I can see that I do the same for him. The energy exchange is not good. And I just need to accept that. I cannot allow him to drain me or have any more effect on me. I try to tell myself "I am love, I am light. I am love, I am light. I will respond with compassion" but I really just want to punch him square in the nose! Why does he cause me so much anger!? Yet I still find him physically attractive dispute the toxicity of ...

I finally moved out. I moved to my mom's place (which is actually her ex husbands place - that is another story) . I hesitated to move for too long. I didn't want to leave my home, it didn't seem fair but I was tired of feeling suppressed. Sleeping in a non judgement zone was so freeing. My chest, my soul felt so much lighter. Unfortunately I not only have my own respect and self worth that I am working on through this process but also family karma I am overcoming as well. My mother has been married about 6 times. She has a tendency to crave marriage and doesn't know how to be on her own, so she hops from man to man - whoever has skills on assistance to help her at that point in her life. If that man can assist he financially and in skills (normally carpentry or home investments) and he can stick with her for 3 months then it generally leads to marriage. She is currently living with her ex husband, again. They break up 1-2 times per year when his benefits to he...

Is my choice to stay based on reasoning of fear or love? Is my choice to leave based on fear or love? If I stay, it is because I am scared to leave everything behind and start over. If I leave, it is love and respect for myself. Therefore I must brave it and leave. If I stayed I would be faking it - choosing the "easy" route and always be thinking what if. But then the route of the exit has to be chosen. I kept thinking how hard it will be to leave, to afford everything on my own and allow him to keep the house and the kids could keep their familiar home. Why leave? I love my house, but I cannot afford it...not on my own. But thankfully I have logical heads to talk to and I was awakened to the realization that I cannot simply walk away and live a difficult life...if that was the case then I might as well stay. The house will have to be sold. Debts need to be paid. I should not be punished or feel punished for wanting a divorce. I should be restored to what I h...

It is really hard to leave when he is being so nice. He wants me to stay and when I do not have a clear plan in place - my timing wasn't ideal, it makes it even harder. It is June and I have to stay home/work part-time because my 8-year-old is unable to attend camps. Therefore I can not afford to "leave" at this time. I have to wait till August until I can work full-time or at least get enough hours to afford to pitifully live on my own. How do single moms make it!? SO, thoughts of "life isn't that bad" "I can make this work" "Is this really worth it to leave?" "the kids are going to think I'm leaving them too" and such enter my mind. "Suck it up butter-cup" My husband is a good looking guy and I'm an attractive female - we are a good looking couple. So, what is so bad? Memories. Memories and pain of hurt feelings that I cannot shake. I forgive him but my rational brain cannot forget. Aft...

I am currently, very make-shift style, living in a portion of the basement. I want to leave and just start over but it isn't that easy and I feel very fortunate that I am capable of having some space I can run off too. In no way is it ideal. The first week was rough; he would keep finding excuses to come down and enter my area and would end up staying and arguing. I did tell him when I was first considering moving my items that there are rules that need to be followed while that is my space - no entering. However he struggled and still struggles. He has become very clingy since I have moved into my basement space and isn't in a hurry to help me move all of my belongings into it. - I can see in his eyes that he expects I'll change my mind since he is on "good behavior" aka being optimistic and hasn't had a drink in 2 weeks. It is hard to be mean and distant when he being so nice and acting the way I want. But I just keep reminding myself that this has ...

Limbo is where I live, constantly being tugged in opposite directions by flip-flop desires of my mind and his. There is no emotional security available had has never been but yet I stay out of duty, lack of confidence and passive resignation. Wishes without action are just wishes. -Ellie