Bumble Bee Notes

There is a roller coaster ride at Kentucky Kingdom called Twisted Sisters, two roller coaster on two different tracks take off in opposite directions, taking sharp turns up to a hill where they face each other and race down with a moment to pass and see each other's screaming faces. In proceeds to go up and down with sharp turns occasionally passing the other coaster, gaining a glimpse of other riders while also fearing you might collide. This is what it feels like when you leave a marriage that didn't have 1 defining moment that caused you to leave, when you tried to stick it out as long as you could. Years of trying to make myself have feelings for him, learning to bottle my emotions and not scream as I was yanked around corners and plunged up and down. I drop the kids off and I see my holiday decorations that I collected over the years, that I did not put up, filling the house. The holiday decorations that I distracted myself with and collected each year, trying to pret...

I finally moved out. I moved to my mom's place (which is actually her ex husbands place - that is another story) . I hesitated to move for too long. I didn't want to leave my home, it didn't seem fair but I was tired of feeling suppressed. Sleeping in a non judgement zone was so freeing. My chest, my soul felt so much lighter. Unfortunately I not only have my own respect and self worth that I am working on through this process but also family karma I am overcoming as well. My mother has been married about 6 times. She has a tendency to crave marriage and doesn't know how to be on her own, so she hops from man to man - whoever has skills on assistance to help her at that point in her life. If that man can assist he financially and in skills (normally carpentry or home investments) and he can stick with her for 3 months then it generally leads to marriage. She is currently living with her ex husband, again. They break up 1-2 times per year when his benefits to he...

It is really hard to leave when he is being so nice. He wants me to stay and when I do not have a clear plan in place - my timing wasn't ideal, it makes it even harder. It is June and I have to stay home/work part-time because my 8-year-old is unable to attend camps. Therefore I can not afford to "leave" at this time. I have to wait till August until I can work full-time or at least get enough hours to afford to pitifully live on my own. How do single moms make it!? SO, thoughts of "life isn't that bad" "I can make this work" "Is this really worth it to leave?" "the kids are going to think I'm leaving them too" and such enter my mind. "Suck it up butter-cup" My husband is a good looking guy and I'm an attractive female - we are a good looking couple. So, what is so bad? Memories. Memories and pain of hurt feelings that I cannot shake. I forgive him but my rational brain cannot forget. Aft...

I am currently, very make-shift style, living in a portion of the basement. I want to leave and just start over but it isn't that easy and I feel very fortunate that I am capable of having some space I can run off too. In no way is it ideal. The first week was rough; he would keep finding excuses to come down and enter my area and would end up staying and arguing. I did tell him when I was first considering moving my items that there are rules that need to be followed while that is my space - no entering. However he struggled and still struggles. He has become very clingy since I have moved into my basement space and isn't in a hurry to help me move all of my belongings into it. - I can see in his eyes that he expects I'll change my mind since he is on "good behavior" aka being optimistic and hasn't had a drink in 2 weeks. It is hard to be mean and distant when he being so nice and acting the way I want. But I just keep reminding myself that this has ...

I've contemplated leaving for a long time. To be honest, he biggest reason I didn't leave was not because of the children, it was just fear - fear of the unknown. The other reason was comfort. We take comfort in what we have, what we know - it is how we survive. Over the years everyone I ever met and talked to about my husband replied with some kind of comment about "how you can do so much better than that." I knew it too. Over the years I devised several plans to leave, I made several threats to leave (non taken too seriously) and withheld sex in hopes that he would get frustrated enough to leave me. Don't get me wrong there were a few times here and there I thought I might be able to enjoy my life ... but they would quickly be crushed with never more than a fight, argument or comment that would leave me heart broken once more. I tried everything I could to make it work but ultimately he wasn't happy with himself and his life - that I could not fix....