Bumble Bee Notes

The label  narcissist  is used loosely these days, typically to indicate anyone who is vain and selfish, but the true  personality disorder  and its traits run much deeper, and carry long-term debilitating effects for those involved with such people. If you were raised by a  narcissistic  parent or are in a relationship with a narcissist, you will likely feel more like an object to be used and manipulated to meet the narcissistic partner’s  goals  or needs. You eventually realize your partner does not see the  real  you. It is a heart-breaking discovery to realize you have been conned or duped by someone you trusted and loved. Below I'm offering you a checklist to determine if your relationship carries these devastating traits. Remember: Narcissism is a  spectrum  disorder; someone with a high level or number of these traits can be a more damaging influence on you, and your children. The more traits, the closer to a full-blo...

I have my moments of weakness. I fight them but I know that it is ok to be upset. Its not that I am upset he is dating someone else...I am actually happy about that. I just still get upset when I have still gained no value, there is still no appreciation for me, that he still doesn't understand me. And even that I have been working on letting go, however its hearing about his new girl doing what I do and then receiving praise about it. Would I call it emotional jealousy? No. It just feels like a slap in the face. He sucks the energy from me and I can see that I do the same for him. The energy exchange is not good. And I just need to accept that. I cannot allow him to drain me or have any more effect on me. I try to tell myself "I am love, I am light. I am love, I am light. I will respond with compassion" but I really just want to punch him square in the nose! Why does he cause me so much anger!? Yet I still find him physically attractive dispute the toxicity of ...

Is my choice to stay based on reasoning of fear or love? Is my choice to leave based on fear or love? If I stay, it is because I am scared to leave everything behind and start over. If I leave, it is love and respect for myself. Therefore I must brave it and leave. If I stayed I would be faking it - choosing the "easy" route and always be thinking what if. But then the route of the exit has to be chosen. I kept thinking how hard it will be to leave, to afford everything on my own and allow him to keep the house and the kids could keep their familiar home. Why leave? I love my house, but I cannot afford it...not on my own. But thankfully I have logical heads to talk to and I was awakened to the realization that I cannot simply walk away and live a difficult life...if that was the case then I might as well stay. The house will have to be sold. Debts need to be paid. I should not be punished or feel punished for wanting a divorce. I should be restored to what I h...

I've contemplated leaving for a long time. To be honest, he biggest reason I didn't leave was not because of the children, it was just fear - fear of the unknown. The other reason was comfort. We take comfort in what we have, what we know - it is how we survive. Over the years everyone I ever met and talked to about my husband replied with some kind of comment about "how you can do so much better than that." I knew it too. Over the years I devised several plans to leave, I made several threats to leave (non taken too seriously) and withheld sex in hopes that he would get frustrated enough to leave me. Don't get me wrong there were a few times here and there I thought I might be able to enjoy my life ... but they would quickly be crushed with never more than a fight, argument or comment that would leave me heart broken once more. I tried everything I could to make it work but ultimately he wasn't happy with himself and his life - that I could not fix....