Bumble Bee Notes

I finally moved out. I moved to my mom's place (which is actually her ex husbands place - that is another story) . I hesitated to move for too long. I didn't want to leave my home, it didn't seem fair but I was tired of feeling suppressed. Sleeping in a non judgement zone was so freeing. My chest, my soul felt so much lighter. Unfortunately I not only have my own respect and self worth that I am working on through this process but also family karma I am overcoming as well. My mother has been married about 6 times. She has a tendency to crave marriage and doesn't know how to be on her own, so she hops from man to man - whoever has skills on assistance to help her at that point in her life. If that man can assist he financially and in skills (normally carpentry or home investments) and he can stick with her for 3 months then it generally leads to marriage. She is currently living with her ex husband, again. They break up 1-2 times per year when his benefits to he...

I've contemplated leaving for a long time. To be honest, he biggest reason I didn't leave was not because of the children, it was just fear - fear of the unknown. The other reason was comfort. We take comfort in what we have, what we know - it is how we survive. Over the years everyone I ever met and talked to about my husband replied with some kind of comment about "how you can do so much better than that." I knew it too. Over the years I devised several plans to leave, I made several threats to leave (non taken too seriously) and withheld sex in hopes that he would get frustrated enough to leave me. Don't get me wrong there were a few times here and there I thought I might be able to enjoy my life ... but they would quickly be crushed with never more than a fight, argument or comment that would leave me heart broken once more. I tried everything I could to make it work but ultimately he wasn't happy with himself and his life - that I could not fix....