Bumble Bee Notes

There is a roller coaster ride at Kentucky Kingdom called Twisted Sisters, two roller coaster on two different tracks take off in opposite directions, taking sharp turns up to a hill where they face each other and race down with a moment to pass and see each other's screaming faces. In proceeds to go up and down with sharp turns occasionally passing the other coaster, gaining a glimpse of other riders while also fearing you might collide. This is what it feels like when you leave a marriage that didn't have 1 defining moment that caused you to leave, when you tried to stick it out as long as you could. Years of trying to make myself have feelings for him, learning to bottle my emotions and not scream as I was yanked around corners and plunged up and down. I drop the kids off and I see my holiday decorations that I collected over the years, that I did not put up, filling the house. The holiday decorations that I distracted myself with and collected each year, trying to pret...

I've contemplated leaving for a long time. To be honest, he biggest reason I didn't leave was not because of the children, it was just fear - fear of the unknown. The other reason was comfort. We take comfort in what we have, what we know - it is how we survive. Over the years everyone I ever met and talked to about my husband replied with some kind of comment about "how you can do so much better than that." I knew it too. Over the years I devised several plans to leave, I made several threats to leave (non taken too seriously) and withheld sex in hopes that he would get frustrated enough to leave me. Don't get me wrong there were a few times here and there I thought I might be able to enjoy my life ... but they would quickly be crushed with never more than a fight, argument or comment that would leave me heart broken once more. I tried everything I could to make it work but ultimately he wasn't happy with himself and his life - that I could not fix....