The Roller Coaster Ride

There is a roller coaster ride at Kentucky Kingdom called Twisted Sisters, two roller coaster on two different tracks take off in opposite directions, taking sharp turns up to a hill where they face each other and race down with a moment to pass and see each other's screaming faces. In proceeds to go up and down with sharp turns occasionally passing the other coaster, gaining a glimpse of other riders while also fearing you might collide.

This is what it feels like when you leave a marriage that didn't have 1 defining moment that caused you to leave, when you tried to stick it out as long as you could. Years of trying to make myself have feelings for him, learning to bottle my emotions and not scream as I was yanked around corners and plunged up and down.

I drop the kids off and I see my holiday decorations that I collected over the years, that I did not put up, filling the house. The holiday decorations that I distracted myself with and collected each year, trying to pretend like the perfect family living the magazine life while I was dying and feeling repressed deep inside.

The desire to kiss him and comfort him when he looks pissed at me, because that was the safe and smart thing to do, the survival thing to do.

Its hard to re program myself, to tell myself I no longer need to allow my heart to ache because I can fulfill his needs. I no longer need to suppress my feelings and desires to live life and dream my dreams. I no longer have to ask permission to move forward in life. I no longer have expectations of what I need to accomplish each day.
My life is mine now.