Bumble Bee Notes

Is my choice to stay based on reasoning of fear or love? Is my choice to leave based on fear or love? If I stay, it is because I am scared to leave everything behind and start over. If I leave, it is love and respect for myself. Therefore I must brave it and leave. If I stayed I would be faking it - choosing the "easy" route and always be thinking what if. But then the route of the exit has to be chosen. I kept thinking how hard it will be to leave, to afford everything on my own and allow him to keep the house and the kids could keep their familiar home. Why leave? I love my house, but I cannot afford it...not on my own. But thankfully I have logical heads to talk to and I was awakened to the realization that I cannot simply walk away and live a difficult life...if that was the case then I might as well stay. The house will have to be sold. Debts need to be paid. I should not be punished or feel punished for wanting a divorce. I should be restored to what I h

It is really hard to leave when he is being so nice. He wants me to stay and when I do not have a clear plan in place - my timing wasn't ideal, it makes it even harder. It is June and I have to stay home/work part-time because my 8-year-old is unable to attend camps. Therefore I can not afford to "leave" at this time. I have to wait till August until I can work full-time or at least get enough hours to afford to pitifully live on my own. How do single moms make it!? SO, thoughts of "life isn't that bad" "I can make this work" "Is this really worth it to leave?" "the kids are going to think I'm leaving them too" and such enter my mind. "Suck it up butter-cup" My husband is a good looking guy and I'm an attractive female - we are a good looking couple. So, what is so bad? Memories. Memories and pain of hurt feelings that I cannot shake. I forgive him but my rational brain cannot forget. Aft

I am currently, very make-shift style, living in a portion of the basement. I want to leave and just start over but it isn't that easy and I feel very fortunate that I am capable of having some space I can run off too. In no way is it ideal. The first week was rough; he would keep finding excuses to come down and enter my area and would end up staying and arguing. I did tell him when I was first considering moving my items that there are rules that need to be followed while that is my space - no entering. However he struggled and still struggles. He has become very clingy since I have moved into my basement space and isn't in a hurry to help me move all of my belongings into it. - I can see in his eyes that he expects I'll change my mind since he is on "good behavior" aka being optimistic and hasn't had a drink in 2 weeks. It is hard to be mean and distant when he being so nice and acting the way I want. But I just keep reminding myself that this has

I've contemplated leaving for a long time. To be honest, he biggest reason I didn't leave was not because of the children, it was just fear - fear of the unknown. The other reason was comfort. We take comfort in what we have, what we know - it is how we survive. Over the years everyone I ever met and talked to about my husband replied with some kind of comment about "how you can do so much better than that." I knew it too. Over the years I devised several plans to leave, I made several threats to leave (non taken too seriously) and withheld sex in hopes that he would get frustrated enough to leave me. Don't get me wrong there were a few times here and there I thought I might be able to enjoy my life ... but they would quickly be crushed with never more than a fight, argument or comment that would leave me heart broken once more. I tried everything I could to make it work but ultimately he wasn't happy with himself and his life - that I could not fix.